Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'

-- Joe Namath

Healthy development in adolescents is greatly helped when their home is a safe and stable haven. Our research with students reveals their often unspoken desire to come home and know they will receive a warm welcome and an ear to help them navigate confusion and frustration from the day. They really do want to climb into their bed knowing adults who love each other love them.

In 2000, the marriage experts at Life Innovations launched a survey (found in the book, Empowering Couples) with over 21,000 married couples and discovered five top parenting issues for one or both of the partners:

Having children negatively impacted the happiness in our marriage - 84%

The father is not involved enough with the children - 68%

I'm not satisfied with how my spouse shares childrearing - 66%

The two of us disagree on styles of discipline - 66%

My partner makes the children a higher priority than our marriage - 64%

The survey revealed that over four-fifths of married couples feel less satisfied with their marriage since having children. Most of us struggle with busyness, juggling multiple priorities, and we often have little energy or patience for the time we are at home with our children. Our households easily turn into relational battlegrounds, not only between parent and child, but also more importantly between adults. In frustration we sometimes lash out at those we love the most, our spouse, or our children. Our kids have a keen radar system that detects disharmony between their parents, which cause anxiety.

These issues challenge us deeply and can cause a fair amount of internal pain but we have the opportunity to make changes for good. Here are some steps:

*Be honest with yourself and partner about the sources of marital satisfaction or dissatisfaction.

*Invest richly in your primary relationships.

*Refuse to use your children as a scapegoat for your frustration. You may need to apologize.

*Include margin in your schedule for unhurried time at home to reconnect. You will probably need to say "no" to some future events.

* Say, "Goodnight," and "I love you," to each person in your home at bedtime. You may need to turn off the TV.

*If you are single, seek out several supportive friends who can help you take care of yourself and find balance.

* Enlist the help of a qualified, licensed therapist if you get stuck. It is worth it.