As parents, teachers, youth workers, and coaches we are responsible for the discipline of our children and students. Hopefully we don’t resort to the use of wooden paddles but in all honesty we might admit that our discipline is often born out of anger and frustration. Research, family therapists, and instruction in the Bible all point toward the necessity of appropriate discipline to help our children learn and grow but the emphasis is clearly focused on training for the future rather than punishment for the past. As a parent or adult responsible for the development of young people we must turn our discipline into an opportunity for long term growth and learning rather than a short-term fix.

Dr. Jane Nelson, writing in Positive Discipline, wisely invites us to “get rid of the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first you have to make them feel worse.” Here are four suggestions, from Nelson, that form the foundation of successful discipline:

[1] Do your best to really understand what is going on with your adolescent. Seek for understanding before spouting off. What is it like being your teenager?

[2] Get inside the feelings of your child. Demonstrate real compassion for those feelings. Before you try to fix be sure to feel.

[3] Calmly share in a non-accusing manner how you feel about what went wrong.

[4] Collaborate and negotiate ways to avoid the behavior using the impact of logical consequences and rewards.

Logical consequences are related to the behavior, respectful, and reasonable. Remember, discipline is positive training for future maturity, responsibility, and development, not angry punishment to alleviate the frustration and disappointment you harbor toward your child.